haha, duno how many j2s will actually see this entry before tonight 8.30-11pm.. hopefully suddenly everyone mug until sian then happen to trip upon my blog? anyway, if you all happen to read, then remember to tune in to yes933 tonight from 8.30-11pm!!! because got me dedicate songs to you all!!! especially my classmates, 04S73-ians and my huang cheng mates, whether this year or lasr year. pray hard that this time got people hear and will not turn out as bad as last time.. if not i really.. nothing to say le.

haiz.. no time for lep le!!! oh my god.. haiz.. no time no time no time le.. shall go mug liaoz.. =( everyone jia you! it'll be over soon!!! effectively, most of us are only left with 3 weeks!!! ganbatte neh~

one more week, one more week and i'll be left with one less subject to mug for a-levels.. time is running real short.. i can sense the urgency.. i can feel the stress building up.. but so what if i know? so what if i try to study? whatever that i try to input in my mind just leaves automatically a while later.. i feel so useles.. so stupid.. i can still score badly for papers even until now.. the only hope i have is only lep.. but i'm really scared that the more i expect/hope, the greater will be my disappointment next year.. i don't have full confidence even for lep.. ah.. i'm really worried.. i'm really scared.. but yet there're so many a times when i just feel so drained mentally and i can only seek solace in sleep which is a luxury now!!! haiz.. i guess i'll still go back to mug my brain out after this.. i think i just need to vent out.. sometimes i'll be so hard on myself i can't do anything except feel trapped and cry.. but thankfully i have people i can sms to and ask them to call me then they'll call me almost immediately. i can destress and pick myself up yet again after listening and talking to them.. thanks shell and boonie! i made it past last weekend without going crazy thanks to you two.. fengyi also! talking to you made me get over the sadness and shadow of last saturday.. i'm just thankful that i'm surrounded with people who cares a lot despite not knowing exactly what i'm experiencing.. i'll hold on de.. =)

Woohoooo!!! haha, do pardon my "high"ness because i just finished my hong lou notes!!! all forty chapters wo!!! oh man, i feel so so so so so proud of myself!!! i feel such a strong sense of accomplishment i think i am going to be able to float in air even la!!! hahaha, oh my god, i really finish all forty chapters plus all the important characters!!! ahhhh!!! hahahahaha, i am going crazy~~~ haha, its been such a long time since i feel sooo happy and sooo high!!! =) all j2s cont to jia you wo!!! we can do it de!!! hahaha. ;)

oh my goodness, just finish the lep 6 hour marathon! oh man.. i really pity my hand.. think it'll be paralysed anytime soon having to undergo such harsh and painful times during examinations with continuos and rapid writing required.. so pain now.. really hope to go massage so that the pain will ease away.. then somemore later need to go and do essay questions for biology as i got remedial tomorrow and i heard that there is a lot!!! argh.. somebody just kill me off ba.. my hand cannot take it le la.. haha. =P hmmm.. actually i feel rather good about the paper as i managed to complete writing what i say! wao, that is like the 1st time in this year? haha, ok le, shant type more, whole body aching and i need food!!! go back hostel liaoz~ ;)

somehow, i think that when we are encountered with problems and obstacles in our life, when we are faced with immense stress trying to solve all those stuff, we will think a lot, think about a lot of things that may seem out of this world.. like why do we have to live on? why are we born in the first place? why are people so afraid of death? why does life even exist in the first place? what happens if every single organism, whether animals or plants, so long as it is a living species fails to reproduce, no longer struggle for survival then every single living matter will die off on this earth right? why must life exist? why must we try and live on? if every single thing does not exist on this world.. would it not be better? why is all of us struggling for survival? what is the purpose? what for?

sometimes find that living on has no more meaning.. sometimes find that death is the better alternative to life.. why do people define commiting suicide as a foolish act? who are they to define what is right or wrong for other people? why is living on, struggling to survive and slogging your heart out not foolish then? why can't the choice to die be an encouraged and clever act? haha.. guess i am really losing my mind ya? haha.. i guess a lot of people are living on not for themselves ba.. they have responsibility on their shoulders.. to support their parents.. to support their children.. to support their friends.. to support other people that rely heavily on them.. living on for other's people sake.. haha.. but i guess living on for others make our life meaningful ba.. at least we have a purpose in life.. we know why we exist right? haha.. ok.. shall go mug le.. if not i'll just talk on more about unnecessary and rubbish stuff only.. all j2s cont to jia you oh! i'm not giving up so you all must also hold on oh! =) all the best~

jus experience the most drastic change in my mood.. haha.. didn't know a person's mood can change that fast until today.. my dedication for all the juniors got read out today!!! i was so excited and happy when i heard the letter being read out! all the words that i meant to say to all the juniors read out by the deejay! my birthday wishes for my brother and ningfei! i was imagining that many many juniors would tune in to yes933 and hear the dedication followed by the song which is wang fu's mi ni qun! then i'll have many people sms-ing me that they heard my dedication! my face was flushed and i could feel my heart beat faster! haha.. but no.. it turn out to be the opposite.. total opposite.. such a great difference that i cannot accept it and mood really fell down to a bottomless pit.. do pardon me.. i had such high hopes.. it being my first letter to yes933 and the words being such heartfelt.. the disappointment that hit me was thus equally strong.. i really feel like crying out.. haha.. think nobody can understand how i feel at all.. no one except myself.. but guess i can only have myself to blame.. for not publicising it before.. it is all my fault so juniors please stop apologising...but... ahhh.. =(

haiz.. guess i'll leave the words i wrote in with my letter here in my blog and hope more people can read it now.. guess my prediction that my efforts will go down the drain came true.. haha.. such irony.. i even forgot to record down e dedication!!! how i wish time can go back to 10.30pm... ='(

对学弟学妹之言：
猪长！
馨玉！
Senior!
馨玉姐姐！
每一种称呼都能让我心中感到无比温馨和安慰
你们的存在让我华初的生活添加幸福
也因为你们，我对离开华初十分感伤
千般不舍，万般流连
看到你们开心健康，心中感到释然
看到你们伤心难受，心中感到悲戚
要好好照顾自己知道吗？
感谢你们的支持和鼓励
感激你们借给我的耳朵和肩膀
一起度过的时光，收藏心灵深处
请包容我的唠叨罗嗦，关心担心你们已成为我的习惯
你们要多多保重，时时保持联络好吗？
永远牵挂着你们。。。

i think i am currently still in the abyss of depression i fell in few days ago.. i thought i have managed to climb out successfully but in fact i haven't.. haha.. this is bad.. i know it's bad.. haha.. but there seems to be nothing that i can do about it? i can still laugh, if making laughing sound is counted as laugh that is.. my smiles will spring back after it's purpose has been served.. i want to stay away from everyone around me.. i want to be anti-social.. but can i when i have to come to school and meet people who know me everyday? can i don't smile? can i don't say hi? can i don't wave? i can't.. i can't be selfish and hurt others because of my bad moods.. haha.. i can't.. and i can only say serve myself right? haha.. i even thought of bluffing that i have a sore throat so that i can don't speak to anyone.. so that i can don't open my mouth.. so that people won't think somethind is wrong with me when i don't speak at all for the whole day.. this morning i was outside hui suo on the sofa.. my thoughts ran wild.. and i started thinking what will happen if i jumped down from there into the central plaza.. what's scarier was.. ok.. think i should self-censor.. i don't want to worry people uneccessary.. i will be alright after a while de.. just need to vent it out.. haha..

i'm going to indulge in depression and nonsensical ramblings again.. so sorry.. i need to type out what i feel.. i have no other outlets ya? haha.. i have no idea what i am really feeling now actually.. just got this strong urge to let my tear glands secrete as much as they want.. i guess i am back in my abyss of depression after climbing out? now.. not even being with those people that i usually long to be with can stir up any interests or happiness in me.. i feel like becoming a hermit crab and hide inside a shell so that i dont need to see anyone, hear anyone, talk to anyone.. i feel so lethargic all of a sudden.. i suddenly hope that i can just fall asleep one fine day and never have to wake up again after that.. i suddenly feel like going to kai1 sheng1 like i used to in the 1st 3 months.. shout until i lost my voice so that i dont have to talk.. i suddenly feel like going to a discrete corner and crying my heart out.. i can still laugh and talk and act crazy like i used to.. but why doesnt i feel happy..??? why why why.. i have no idea..

haha, yea~! i've written another letter into yes933 to dedicate songs again le!!! haha, this time all the jc2 people who know me take note wo~!!! if all goes well, you all will be able to hear my special dedication to all of you on 28th October 2005, next next friday, sometime between 8-11pm on yes933 xian2 ge1 ji4 yi4 oh! =) haha, especially those in my class 04S73 and all my huang cheng peeps! help me spread the word around to other jc2 people whom i know ya? thanks lots le! hmmm.. as for the earlier letter specially dedicated to all my juniors who know me, i hope that my effort spent in writing and sending in the letter wont go down the drain.. whether it does not get read out by jia hui or not much people get to hear about it.. haha, i think i can only cross my fingers and pray that jia hui will be benovelent and not throw my letter away as i did send it in a bit late.. pray hard le~heez. =P

ok, i have to say that my recent entries aren't a pleasure to read exactly, even depressing most of the times.. i'm so sorry.. i don't mean to make any of you sad or depressed or down with any of my entries but if i don't blog.. i have really no other outlets for me to vent my sorrows and frustrations so as to bounce back once again and be the smiley me.. haiz.. so do bear with me ba, if not then just don't read any of my entry from now until a-levels ba.. i've got a feeling the entries may not get any more glorious given the situation i'm faced with now..

anyway, i got back my lep and bio results back yesterday.. as i've said.. it is a happy and sad combination of results.. happy is of course lep as i've finally scored the 1st B ever in my prelim results, sad is of course bio as i've once again failed as per usual.. haiz.. going to look for my bio tutor and see if there're some more marks that were left out and i could then scrape a pass for my bio then le.. hopefully ba.. i don't know how i should go about doing my revision and stuff so that i can jump from all the E's and O's to B's if not A's in my a-levels.. haha.. sound so impossible.. but i'm willing to give it a try! i won't give up de.. i don't want to disappoint myself and my parents.. and also my friends and juniors who have always been there supporting me all the way! i'll cont to jia you de!!!

by the way, haiz, dear juniors~ my dedication may not be read out le.. haiz.. just pray hard jia hui will still read the letter though it reached her a little late.. i can only pray that i'll hear the dedication next friday ba.. haiz..

so pek chek la, i typed an entry just now then so happens i suey suey publish it at the moment of time when blogger is down for maintenance! therefore my earlier entry got lost!!! argh.. nvm.. i'll just pull myself back again and type yet another entry to make up for the earlier one ba.. haiz..

haha.. today got back chemistry paper 1, 2 & 3! i failed for every single section! haha.. i think i'm going to be the last in 04S73 liaoz, got back 3 subjects already. gp i'm like the very few, if not the only one, who failed.. maths i passed, but i scored the lowest, barely passing in fact.. chem i failed, was the 2nd last in class.. haha.. this is the 1st time ever in my academic life that i've done so terribly in exams.. haha.. i think my only hopes now are my biology and lep papers.. but scared that scarly they will be just like my other subjects.. haha.. then i seriously dont know what to think or what to do already.. haha.. i think i've been like a bu4 dao3 po2(weng1) for the past two years, keep bouncing back whenever i got hit badly by my poor results.. i've thought of giving everything up a lot of times but somehow i always manage to find the strength to go on soon after that.. this bu4 dao3 po2(weng1) has been fighting back each time she failed.. for the past two years.. i have no idea when this bu4 dao3 po2(weng1) will become dysfunction.. haha.. then one fine day next month you all will find a familiar face on the orbitrary page of straits times or you all will find a familiar name on the list of occupants at the woodbridge mental health institution.. haha.. touchwood touchwood.. joking joking.. hopefully, pary hard, that this bu4 dao3 po2 in me will stay healthy and bouncy until the end of my a-levels.. haha.. actually i think i'm not bad le ba.. quoting from guohong:"you've been falling into abyss and picking yourself up from there again and again la" haha.. i'm quite proud of myself at this capability ba.. at least i'm still alive and kicking despite so many failures.. i believe some people may just go crazy or commit suicide if they experience whatever i've gone through.. haha.. so dont worry.. i'll keep on working hard de!

lastly, dear juniors, do remember to tune in next friday to yes933 from 8-11pm oh!!!!! help me spread the word to other juniors who know me ya? thanks le, cont to jia you for promos!!! =)