I was reading my last few posts & realised that the last 3 posts are actually rather depressing posts. I still have no idea what exactly happened, or what exactly went wrong. But I figure there is really not much point in wasting time & energy in trying to figure them out. Especially since I have found my rather long lost laughter and happiness!!! Haha, I think I am just weird but I am just glad to be cheerful once again. Seriously.

I guess if really want to contribute it to something, it is the finding back of past fond memories with wonderful people during the weekend. There are some people who just have the capability of making me smile, making me laugh, making me happy. I am not sure if they know of their effects on me. LOL. Anyway to friends out there who were concerned, Xin Yu is back! I think this down period also allowed me to reflect back on things in life, and I believe I did gain something useful about myself.

Last but not least, I am not going to be too extreme and push things away that make me who I am. Which means accumulation of sleep debts here and there along the way for my final year in NUS!!! Haha, those who experienced before will understand what I mean. Which also means busy Xin Yu back in action, not in full force I promise, but will need to seek everyone's understanding in bearing with me for 1 more year! :)))

I am on a search to find where has my happiness gone. Maybe it is just a transitional period but I find myself laughing and smiling lesser and lesser with each passing day, I am actually scared that one day I will not know how to be happy anymore. I have no idea what is wrong with me, I want to know too, but I cannot seem to find out. Am I stressed? Am I tired? Am I depressed? Am I losing hope and drive to live on? Am I too drained to carry on?

I wish I knew, I wish I can find my answers soon, before I find myself lying on a bed in IMH.

I think the worst case scenario for me is being terribly sick in school, not knowing if I can get well the next day, missing home horribly yet cannot go home or call home lest worry parents unnecessary, plus the stress from all the things which I have to personally attend to. The sense of loneliness and unhappiness just overwhelms me, coming in waves one after another, again and again.

Thankfully, I have friends whom I can rely on to make sure I do not just sleep and never wake up the next day. I have friends who care and did what they can to make me feel better. I have friends who allow me to feel like a normal person instead of a superwoman. I think no amount of words can express my gratitude to the following people, I can only say "thank you for being my friend". Mei Ling, Samuel, Jeremy, Yan Wei, Ning Fei and Liting. :)))

It was the first time I can ever recall to saying NO to people from a certain group. I used to feel that so long as there is a will, there is a way. I used to believe that no matter how hard the going, things will past by eventually. Tough time dont last, tough people do. But coming Year 4 with all the academic stuff really weighing down on me (I have essays due after 1st lesson!!!), I am starting to feel really constrained, really drained...

Have to learn to take care of myself. Many people told me this. Must learn to say no. Many people told me this too. All for the sake of my welfare. But in doing it this time round, I feel really bad and super duper reluctant. I hate this kind of feeling, at the same time cant help it also. You really cant have everything in life, I guess I have to slowly and painfully let go as circumstances no longer allow for me to be the way I was. I just have to adapt accordingly to it...

After so long and being rejected twice consecutively before, I finally managed to donate blood successfully!!! The first time is because of insufficient iron in my blood, and the second time is because of the stupid injection I took at UHWC. I was so so so scared that I cannot donate again after making my way down to BloodBank @ HSA. I heaved a sigh of relief when I passed the interview for my questionnaire. But I almost died when the person checked my iron level as my blood droplet did not sink to the bottom of the copper sulphate solution. I waited anxiously as the nurse used another device to check if my blood iron level is sufficient for donation. And eventually I was given the green light!!! I was praying super hard lah. :p

The pain was bearable as I have remembered from previous 3 times. But seeing my blood flowing and filling the 450cc packet filled my heart with a great sense of achievement and goodness. I cannot explain why I am so engrossed with blood donation but I just feel that to be able to help another living person in this manner is a blessing which should be treasured. :)

I took a long break, almost 6 months long to be exact. And I finally managed to charge my battery really full, and I felt ready to go once again. But little did I know that the battery which took me so long to charge was depleted to absolute emptiness within days. I am not a sane, I am a person with feelings, emotions, thoughts, biasness, preferences and weaknesses. There is only so much one can take being treated like crap. I know I deserve the way I am being treated, I know I cannot expect anything, but I just want to continue believing in the goodness of people...