Saturday, November 05, 2005
yesterday evening after my family left for some wedding dinner, i'm left on my own to be at home to wait til the time me and him decided to meet.. i hate being at home alone, especially when it is during night time and the whole house suddenly feels so scary.. i keep feeling insecure.. and i hate feeling like this.. so useless.. so weak.. so defenceless.. i need sound, so i turn on the radio and the television so that it seemed like there are people in the house.. i was feeling frustrated at my wasted day at home and all the ramblings from my parents so i went to bathe in hope that it'll make me feel better.. it didn't.. i waited until it was time to meet him and then i left with all the food and drinks to be bought back hostel by myself.. it was heavy.. my mood wasn't good.. everything felt bad.. i felt desolate.. like even if i were to drop dead at the moment there won't be anyone around to know or to care.. that feeling sucks.. tears kept brimming my eyes.. then i reached mrt station.. but he was late so i sat down and waited for him.. at that time i thought of why i have to wait until so late at home alone.. to meet him.. because he has to book in at night, he will only come down yishun at night.. as it was me who wanted to borrow gp stuff from him, i have to accomodate him.. then i thought about how good it is to have a guy who will always stay by your side, someone who will listen to whatever you have to say without any complaints, someone you can tell everything to without having to worry about anything, someone who will give all he has to you for you to be happy, someone who can put everything aside when he sees that you're upset.. haha, it was during that time yesterday that i really understand why girls want to get attached.. why women long to have boyfriend/husband.. i guess i must be going crazy.. thinking about all those stuff.. in the end making myself even sadder.. when he reached, he saw my tears.. he asked me what happened.. he fanned me with the papers for me in hope of cooling me down.. i wiped away my tears, put on a forced smile and told him i'm ok.. he didn't ask more, he has to rush off if not he'll be late for book-in.. he sms-ed me a while after.. i lied to him i'm ok, nothing wrong, i asked him not to worry, i told him to take care if not later kana punishment by his sergeant.. haha.. i don't want him to worry.. i have no right to make him worry.. no right at all..i then proceeded to board the bus alone back to hostel.. i think i'm starting to hate taking the bus 852 alone from home to hostel.. i always feel bad whenever i board the bus alone.. on the bus, i couldn't control my emotions.. thanks peihan, i'm feeling ok now le, after the vent-out yesterday. thanks for being there with your ear open, it was enough just being there, no words were needed. =) i guess i'll really have to learn to handle my emotions and control my thinking from now til the end of a's.. i have to agree i am getting out of hand which is bad.. despite all, i'll mug hard de.. this shall be the last entry until the end of my a's, jia you all j2s for pw and all j1s for pw~!
9:38 AM
