I guess it has been long enough and I can talk about it in a sensible and rationale manner ba, I know there are a lot of people out there worrying about how I am handling the disappointment yet again. haha, don't worry too much for me la, I guess in a way you can say I am getting used to disappointment, getting used to not getting things going my way when I desperately wishes it to be so. I will be ok, even though I won't deny that it did hit me quite badly, I have gotten over it and will definitely go back and help out at both projects as much as I can. Even though I may not be strong, I am absolutely not weak either! Haha, there are times when I feel that I will break but til now it has not happened, even I am amazed myself. Don't worry for me, I will survive~ (:

thanks to all those who showed concern after reading my last entry~! i guess sometimes i just need to vent out my frustrations by writing them down if not i will just burst from trying to withhold every single thing inside me. despite saying that i have matured since stepping up, i believe that the maturation is not complete ba, sometimes feel that i am still rather childish in terms of thinking and behavior. BUT i am working very hard to change it as much as i can as fast as possible already, hope i can transform in time before my naive-ness and childish-ness cause any damage to anything or anyone. everyone has to grow up, being in MC allowed me to grow up much much faster than i may want. i maybe taking up huge responsibility and leading a large team in huge project, xin yu is no longer the small girl anymore. i am not complaining but sometimes i will just wish to go back to the days when i can just have fun all day at the playground or badminton court/laugh and make fun of teachers without a second thought. year 2007 coming soon... turning twenty soon... xin yu will change, for the better. this shall be my resolution. (:

now i can fully understand how a simple assasination of just one person can trigger off world war one, i can really know why now... being dangerously near to the brink of facing such eruption already... i've had enough of all these stuff and all the reasons and all the empty cheques that never become the reality being beautifully painted... i feel that all my communication skills have gone down the drain... i can no longer treat you like a friend, if i manage to do so within this year, i can only say i've transformed into a hypocrite and i shall then hate myself completely! i am so angry, i guess angry at myself for leading you to be over-reliant on whatever i do, for taking up initiative on too much things, for not daring to speak up even though i say i will learn to. simple little things... small... maybe insignificant to you... but if small things keep getting screwed up, what will people think? not everytime big things can be done and not everytime big things will be pulled off beautifully! other than just thinking about you and your commitments, can you spare a thought for others also? not that people don't say anything means that people don't have anything to do... you asked me not to lose hope in you... talk is easy and cheap.. but what have you really done to make me trust in you once more? once, twice.. again and again i am hit right smack in the face with disappointment.. actions speak louder than word this i firmly believe. haha, i may complain and complain.. people will just take it that i am making a mountain out of a molehill.. you all are not me, you all not been through what i've been, no one can understand how it feels, how bad it actually has been. no one knows... i can only blame myself for being too emotional but that is me, if you cannot take it, then too bad. if others feel that this will make me screw up projects, then devoid me of all chances to do it. i should be living for myself.. why am i living for others? why am i trying to become a person that others want me to be? i feel so so so tired. i just feel the need to talk it out. i know a lot of people concerned will be reading but i really cant be bothered to self-censor anymore. this is my personal space, i have my freedom of speech. if whatever i say here will be used against me, i have nothing else to say but will only feel the immense pain deep in my heart. i am just complaining. at the end of the day, i know that i will just pick myself up yet again and fight on til the day i step down... for the arts students in nus, for my voters, for my seniors, for my friends, for those who believed in me... i shall hang in there. i miss rag days... i'm just rambling... hahaha... ignore me.

haha.. i am starting to feel some emotion swinging now.. i don't know why i am suddenly feeling like that but i guess it is because my study life as a nus student is ending? i love to study, i love to engross myself in my lecture notes and readings, i love to make my own colorful notes even though i am not artistically inclined, i love to just study and gain new brain content for myself. for the past around 3 weeks, i have been able to just think about Chinese studies, social work, new media and Chinese language and nothing else. i have been able to just immerse myself in the sea of knowledge and not consider other things which i will have to deal with once i am officially done with all my papers.. i think i am just overwhelmed with all the things i have to do... i think i just want to run away... but i know i would not... so maybe that is why i am feeling sad? i don't know, don't ask me, i am confused and lost myself... bye for now, got to go back to my notes so that i will be able to do well for my last and most important major paper~! wish me luck! i will miss my mugging days in the arts club room of nus... hahaha. (: