now i can fully understand how a simple assasination of just one person can trigger off world war one, i can really know why now... being dangerously near to the brink of facing such eruption already... i've had enough of all these stuff and all the reasons and all the empty cheques that never become the reality being beautifully painted... i feel that all my communication skills have gone down the drain... i can no longer treat you like a friend, if i manage to do so within this year, i can only say i've transformed into a hypocrite and i shall then hate myself completely! i am so angry, i guess angry at myself for leading you to be over-reliant on whatever i do, for taking up initiative on too much things, for not daring to speak up even though i say i will learn to. simple little things... small... maybe insignificant to you... but if small things keep getting screwed up, what will people think? not everytime big things can be done and not everytime big things will be pulled off beautifully! other than just thinking about you and your commitments, can you spare a thought for others also? not that people don't say anything means that people don't have anything to do... you asked me not to lose hope in you... talk is easy and cheap.. but what have you really done to make me trust in you once more? once, twice.. again and again i am hit right smack in the face with disappointment.. actions speak louder than word this i firmly believe. haha, i may complain and complain.. people will just take it that i am making a mountain out of a molehill.. you all are not me, you all not been through what i've been, no one can understand how it feels, how bad it actually has been. no one knows... i can only blame myself for being too emotional but that is me, if you cannot take it, then too bad. if others feel that this will make me screw up projects, then devoid me of all chances to do it. i should be living for myself.. why am i living for others? why am i trying to become a person that others want me to be? i feel so so so tired. i just feel the need to talk it out. i know a lot of people concerned will be reading but i really cant be bothered to self-censor anymore. this is my personal space, i have my freedom of speech. if whatever i say here will be used against me, i have nothing else to say but will only feel the immense pain deep in my heart. i am just complaining. at the end of the day, i know that i will just pick myself up yet again and fight on til the day i step down... for the arts students in nus, for my voters, for my seniors, for my friends, for those who believed in me... i shall hang in there. i miss rag days... i'm just rambling... hahaha... ignore me.