~The big St. John family~

I took out e bear which my jnrs gave me for my 19th bdae ytd to hug. I needed comfort and there was no one else that can provide me such. I can show my weakest side to e teddy bear w/o fearing anything. I can let go of myself totally without any restrictions. It may not be able to provide me advice, but it provided me all e other intangibles that matter more & those that're essential to keep me going. I think i should just stop thinking and do, because only den wont my heart hurt so much.

Had fried hokkien prawn mee for dinner. I drank papaya milk while he drank soya bean drink. Went into Espirit to window-shop for a while. Talked while waiting for advertisements to pass. Watched Spiderman 3. Just a few hours spent together and I feel happy once again. I think i'm satisfied staying this way.

I think my personal blog will be dying down for quite a while since I am now busy handling and managing 3 rather big-scale projects in NUS. think i will be blogging more at the other blog at http://be-raggerfied.blogspot.com as my life now mostly revolves around and other FOPs which I am part of. I dont deny I am busy with a lot of things, I wont deny that I am tired and drenched of energy, but just hope that it will not affect the way that I have to work. Sometimes concern becomes pressure and stress to me, I have no idea how long I can hang in there but I just want to do the best that I can and answer to my initial decisions made. What I need is just confirmation and support, with these two i think it is enough to last me through this tough journey. This I believe so.

hahaha, i think i'll be smiling for no apparent reason at times for the whole of this week already. haha, this is because i'm very happy~! haha, this is because i'm going out the following Monday!!! haha, i don't know why but just thinking about it makes me smile so easily. haha, even my mother couldn't stand me at home after i saw the sms. :P it's things like this that keep me going and makes me feel that life is still just so beautiful~

Finally get to sit down and blog after being busy for the past almost 2 days, it has been a real busy and fulfilling life for me since the start of holidays. so much so that time seems to fly past me once again without me fully realising it. i mean woah, it is going to be one week of holidays gone already! how fast can it get? i still find it quite hard to believe that one week is gone just like that. haha, i guess it is also good in the sense that time passes quickly and not soon after school will start again. it is also good that i am not hanging around with nothing to do, even though i must say i feel quite guilty having to keep rejecting some of my friends for outings because more important stuff crops up.

like for yesterday, it was a really happy day for me because i was invited by my teacher & ex-HOD in Anderson Sec to a high tea buffet session at Royal Plaza on Scott!!! i also got to see my retired chinese teacher Mrs. Wong who could not recognise me initially until other teachers introduced me to her. at first felt quite hurt but realised that i actually look very much different from the way i was given that i have long hair already. but anyway, i really enjoyed myself a lot in the company of my past collegues and teachers. the family feeling was very heart warming and i really hope that i will be able to go back to Anderson to teach after i graduate from NIE. back to the buffet.. oh man, the buffet is really a wide spread, all the food are just so so so nice! i just cant help myself but eat a lot! aiyo.. have to work out more often to burn off all the extra food already, but it was worth it!!! the raw salmon!!! the cakes!!! all the sweet stuff!!! yummy!!! after eating until my stomach almost bursting, i did not even eat proper food loh! i went Guardian with another one of my collegue Xue Fen to buy chicken essence before going to another one of my collegue, Lydia's house to visit her and see the baby!

haha, i love babies!!! oh my goodness!!! they are just so cute!!! i simply adore them!!! oh man, they are the greatest thing to exist in this world! haha, i was playing and tickling and sayang-ing the baby throughout the house visit. initially it was still sleeping but after the second feeding it start to be more active and Lydia allowed me to carry him then. hahaha, so so so cute!!! so so so adorable!!! and he smiled at me! hahaha, he fart super loud! haha, throughout the time i was there i heard him fart three times la! hahaha, so cute. i love cuddling babies and looking at them fall asleep in my arms comfortably. the feeling is so wonderful and beyond what words can describe. mothers are novel! haha, being able to give birth to wonderful creatures. (:

after that i went back to nus to continue with my cca commitments all the way. haha, we had clubroom cleanup!!! xin yu is very happy! because now the clubroom is super duper clean and smells super duper nice!!! haha, thanks lots to all the mc members who made it down to help out!!! feel so so so glad that all of you all helped out and work according to my sometimes a bit over demand on cleanliness and tidiness. :P i just hope that when we move to the new clubroom it'll maintain this way also. hahaha, just feel so happy staying in the clubroom now, so shiok la! hahaha, that's all for now. i think i will have a lot of happy and long posts coming up, as i will make sure that my life is super happening during this holidays. i will not let it go to waste! ^-^

yesterday was a very fulfilling day for me as for the 1st time since i stopped my relief teaching career back in Anderson Sec, i managed to really have the time of the world to go back for a proper visit without having to rush off somewhere. as i overslept, i reached the school late and i think therefore missed almost all but few of my students as it is the examination period whereby everyone rush home to start revision for the next paper rather than hang around in school. i saw some of my express chinese girls when i went to the coffeeshop opposite to eat with one of my collegues Xue Fen whom i met just right after i entered the school's main gate. i don't know how to describe the feeling but it just feels great when you see your students again. it feels as if no time has passed at all, as if they are still back in sec 1 and i am still their chinese teacher. that feeling rocks. haha, another thing is that the homemade noodles from the coffeeshop still taste just as delicious!!! oh man, how i miss the food and those times eating dinner and chatting about students with my collegues after a long day's work. memories are always beautiful i guess.

after that i started teacher-hopping, which actually means going up to teacher after teacher to talk to them and get updates on their life as well as tell them about my life in university now. i don't know why but somehow or rather, even though i can not visit the school for a long time, i still feel at home whenever i do go back. it feels so much comfortable and heart-warming. i shall try my very best to fight for the chance to teach back at Anderson Secondary School after i finish NIE. i feel that it is the place where i really want to be, and even if i may have to suffer more i'll find it worthwhile. the teachers there meant more to me than just teachers and collegues i feel, they are like friends and seniors to me! i would have really loved to go back and do relief teaching but i figured my cca commitments do not allow me to do so.. never mind, it's ok, i'm sure in future there'll be more chances for me to do so.

i love going back for visit because i really loved talking to the teachers. everytime i talk to them, i gain something new. i guess it is sort of like a therapy or something. talking to them makes me think of stuff that never crossed my mind before which is actually quite important, it also makes me find the drive and motivation to continue doing whatever i am involved in now. i must really say that i've been real fortunate to be able to meet such great teachers in my life. really cannot imagine how else i would have turned out if i didn't get to meet them, if i didn't have the blessing to be their students. one thing which i agree with Mr. Ow, a teacher of mine, is that i must make full use of my university days to try out as many things as possible, go do all the things which i will most probably not do once i graduate from university. i made a list down when i was on the mrt back to NUS and i realise there're just so many things i want to do and try out! it made me wonder if i should still follow my original intentions and stick with something again. i guess i'll see how when the time comes.. anyway, i hope that i will get another chance to go back for another visit to see my students. after the visit, i think i am energised mentally enough to continue be a tree which people can depend on, not one that can be easily swayed by wind. separate emotions from work, this is also something which i have to learn in order for me not to feel so painful. i will mature. i believe i can survive. (:

exams finally over... am i happy? i think it's written all over my face the opposite of what everyone experiences when they finish their last paper. reasons? too many to list. i guess i've been through so much emotional turmoils i'm too drenched out already. so how? ignore me. then? i will be ok soon enough, normally after a meal or after a good night's sleep without dreaming of drowning which i did yesterday. maybe that's why my mood didn't get better. everyone enjoy your hols~! (:

男人难道都是善变的吗？无法让人捉摸，无法让人理解。我想我读书读到要疯了。。。

在一个大家庭里，当成员们一个个抓住每一个机会远离这个家时，是多么的让人痛心。尤其是当那些当家的似乎已经不再在乎成员们时，那种锥心之痛有谁又能够了解。错不在逃离的人们，也不在任何人身上，只能说是命运捉弄人吧。心，真的好痛。泪，又不听使唤了。