Finally gave in. Went to see a doctor on my own accord for the first time in duno how many years. Forgot when was the last time I actually went to see a doctor because I fell sick. Was hoping that after taking panadol flu and cold medicine last night will feel better but it did not turn out to be. Thanks 27th Caleb for the medicine nevertheless! I almost fainted when I heard how much it cost just to have consultation with the doctor. And I nearly fainted again when I have to pay for the bill at the end. $60 in total!!! the amount of money I need to survive one whole week in school gone just like that. hate myself for falling sick, I am such an idiot. I have one whole bag of medicine with me now, additional burden, sianz. The medicine better work. I really cannot afford to stay sick any longer already. It is getting on my nerves!!! Everyone out there who is sick do take care also ok? I understand how it feels to be sick at this point of time. :(

How I miss home.. especially now since I have fallen sick.. But I cannot go home, I cannot let my parents see me sick.. amidst all the things to rush throughout the weekend.. I cannot let my parents see me cui.. I cannot let them worry about me.. For once, I am going to clinic to see a doctor, I cannot stand myself being cui for long. I cannot afford to be cui for long either. Western medicine so be it, I am going to force myself to recover asap.

I am officially sick... Feeling so terrible and nuah, keep dozing off, feel so energy-less. Head hurts... I miss home... I miss mummy. i miss daddy. i miss having someone to take care of me when I am sick. I want to get well! I hate feeling cui!!!

Things are no longer the same... I feel that I am losing myself... I am starting to find it hard to smile and laugh on my own initiative... I need to find the reason behind, I need to resolve it, I cannot be down for long. I will pull myself up again and move on. (:

I guess this is the 1st time when I really blog about my studies, about how difficult I am finding it to cope, how stressed I feel when every single weekend passes like nobody's business. Year 2 is really more tedious and demanding than Year 1... A lot more projects, a lot more initiatives, a lot more self-discipline to do the things as lecturers push you even lesser now. I keep feeling overwhelmed with a lot of things, a lot of things forever in my mind, a lot of issues to settle & to deal with. A lot of times not daring to sleep too long for fear of not completing stuff, rushing here and there doing things, feeling tired and not absorbing knowledge during lectures & tutorials. I feel very guilty and sorry towards all my project mates for all my modules, because of my other commitments I was not able to do more for our projects or assignments or essays. I really want to do more. But I feel really tired also. My head hurts more often and with more intensity than usual... I need to sneak & steal time for myself to destress, multi-tasking as much as possible in hope of getting more things done. I also need to immune myself against the grades that I get now, cannot let it affect me or I will feel even worse. I am tired, really tired. I am sorry if I could have done more but I did not. I really did not mean to...

Haha, yesterday was a happy day! This is because after struggling with all the english alphabets which can be used in chinese language, all the net surfing to find information and articles relevant to our topic, all the manipulating of 5000 over chinese words to cook up a good level 3000 chinese module report and all the looking through of reference books to get supportive evidences of our claims, MIN JOO & I MANAGED TO FINISH OUR ESSAY! haha, I have to say it really feels like giving birth to a baby loh. both of us were so proud of our baby lah. we were like so high at the final stages as we toggle with the footnotes, header, cover page & bibliography. we wanted our baby to be perfect, flawless and of the highest standard we can achieve. I bet a lot of us felt the way we did when we struggled with the essay and finished it eventually with much effort, midnight oils and dead brain cells. ;)

Other than having academic accomplishments, I also finally managed to spend really quality time with my family members, all except the older younger brother of mine who chose to stay at home. Felt really bad that the whole family has to accomodate me and come all the way to Vivocity so as to make it convenient for me to come and go. Before yesterday whenever I go home is like forever rushing. Rushing home, rushing through meals and any outings, rushing all the updates and then finally rushing back to RVR. I never really get to talk much with my dad, mum and brother. Come to think of it is quite sad right? Haiz. I chose it so I am going to live with it and handle it well I guess. I am thankful to have parents who are so understanding. I am blessed, even though at times felt that they could be less demanding of me but it is ok! (: Spent time around Vivocity just talking and eating! Haha, I ate like 3 times within the 4 hours together loh. Seriously feel like a pig. Oh man, must cut down if not my goal cannot be reached! :( Hoping that as time passes I can start to get the hang of things and would not feel so overwhelmed easily. But feeling tired is something that can never be removed or improved on, sianz.

I was not in the best of mood earlier on this week but I guess it changed for the better? Maybe not a lot but at least there is a slight improvement? Haha. I learnt that one can actually cry so hard until heart & chest pain. Thanks to Mei Ling, Shu Ping, Pei Joo & Nicholas! Haha, at least there was more than 1 person who noticed and cared, and to me it is more than enough. A lot of things that happened recently really made me think about what exactly is friendship, who are your real friends and who are just the hi-bye ones. I know I am very fortunate, I am surrounded by a lot of people who care, but sometimes just feel very lonely. Wonder if anyone shares the same sentiments as me.. Maybe I am just weird. :P

Anyway, the rest of the week was better because I keep eating! Haha, I am so going to go back to my fat state, weight shot up already!!! Sianz. Really fluctuate a lot. Went to eat the Arts canteen Si chuan steamboat which is like so delicious! Haha, the only troublesome and slightly irritated part is that both me & Minjoo has to go back to the stall 3 more times as the fire died off. However, it was a very enjoyable time eating and talking! It was fun too!!! Haha, Minjoo next time must stayover in my room again ok? I really enjoyed myself even though we were doing project. Anyone also welcomed to stayover in my room! Haha, to accompany me! :P Also went to eat a lot of suppers, totally don't care about stomach protesting as the food is super nice! Shears Hall & Geylang supper, yummy yummy! Do not really feel like going much into detail, do not really feel like blogging also. Haha, random rambles~

Argh.. I have been binge-ing for the past few days!!! And thus my weight shot up again!!! I cant stress eat but it is just so much easier and feels so much better when you eat good food amidst all the rushing for projects, essays, assignments and tutorials!!! Haiz.. I must have more self-discipline already! I cannot afford to go back to where I was. No room for deprove! :(

Haha, I must say I am proud of myself finally! Haha, because for once since Year 2 Semester 1 started, I am able to spend a day on my own on my academic responsibilities. For once I am able to organise all my notes and readings. For once I am able to read through thoroughly what my lecturers have been teaching. For once I can take note of all the deadlines that are coming up. For once I feel that my mind is absorbing new stuff that is to be learned in my modules. For once I really feel like a NUS student. And lastly, for once I am not angry with myself for neglecting my school work. Let's hope this is not the one and only time I can be happy with myself. Haha. (:

Didn't realise that I have really slimmed down significantly until people come up to me and ask how I did it. Basically maybe because I still feel the same (i.e. still feel as fat), even though the weighing scale showed weight loss. I am still very skeptical for fear that it is the weighing scale trying to play a trick on me and make me feel disillusioned only. Paiseh ah, I know a lot of people will probably be scolding me silly or crazy (I can just imagine) but that is how I feel what. Seriously due to my very low self-esteem ba. But I can feel it building up! Haha, and I will continue to work hard on looking my best when I turn 21 next year, and also for the years to come. :D Yeah! finally after carrying the bulges of fat on for nearly a decade.