Been in school for 3 weeks so far but somehow it felt like 3 months. Do not know why but it just felt that way. Feet is getting heavier and heavier walking around the school for lectures and tutorials. Getting really tired out every single day for the past 3 weeks even though I have not been really doing much in terms of studies, just feeling drained. Somehow this seems to be a consensus among my peers but how come?

I know I may say I miss studying when I started working next time, but somehow I cannot stop looking forward to my teaching career. Things will not be as simple as I wish for them to be, every step I take once I start working will have its own repercussions and consequences, good or bad. Gone were the days when I can act blur and be ignorant of certain things in life. People expect me to know, people depend on me to do more, people need me to be more attentive and sensitive to their needs. Growing up, a journey which one have to learn to shoulder all the responsibilities yet not be weighed down by them. :)

Attended the 1st ever solemnization ceremony of my best friend, Yun Li. It was both an eye-opening and learning experience for me, and another step towards the next stage in life. ;)

As the solemnisor was reading out the marriage vows, I do not know what came over me but suddenly felt very emotional and almost teared for a moment. Perhaps I am just too happy for my friend, that she has found someone who will love and treasure her, stand by her no matter what happens for the rest of her life.

After everything, the whole ceremony ended with my friend throwing her bouquet of flowers to all the single ladies present. Guess what? I caught the bouquet, lol. :p Hope that I can rub off some of my friend's happiness and luck in finding my other half; someone whom I can talk to comfortably, hang around together nicely, share wonderful memories with, spend time doing things we like, depend on without doubt, walk down the journey of life hand in hand.

I think the guy has to be able to give me a very very very strong sense of security, if not I just cannot bring myself to bare my heart to love him back. He has to be very patient because no matter how fast-paced this society has become, I need him to show me with time that he will
never stop loving, caring, protecting and supporting me. But but but not too soon, please please please. v(n_n)v

Kind of sad that they are very concerned about you just because they want to make you theirs. What happens thereafter? Hate thinking about such related topics again after years. HATE.

On 30th August 2010, after a tiring weekend at ROP, I woke up only at 11plus. I was checking my mailbox after the weekend and finally read the email which Baolong sent with regards to Ping Kee. I have known of his condition all along so I was not that shocked to receive the email, but never do I know that it was worsened so much. Just when I finished reading the email, I saw Dean's status update about Ping Kee resting in peace. I was stunned for a moment, not wanting to believe it happening so suddenly. My next immediate response was to call Dean and he verified Ping Kee's death that very morning a few hours ago.

After I hung up, I just sat in front of my computer and tears just kept rolling down my cheeks. Many thoughts start running through my head but I do not know what to think. I felt sad as he is only 20, not even starting to enjoy what life has in store for him and he's gone. I felt regretful as I was busy with YOG for the past month and wasn't able to be with him when he really needed support from friends. I felt angry as I did not do more when I could being one of the few whom he talked to about his illness. I felt lost as I do not know what I can and should do from there on. It is painful, and I do not know if I will be able to come to terms with it. It sure doesn't help as you watch one after another facebook status of your cca juniors and friends updating after hearing the bad news...

I decided I must do something, or I can never let myself go for not doing more when I am still able to... I went down for all 3 days of his wake, the 1st 2 days just going down and seeing and folding papers and talking to fellow cca juniors and friends. I saw his face inside the coffin, but it didn't resemble the Ping Kee I knew at all... Just like what happened when my grandfather passed away 7 years ago... I was composed, I did not tear except for times when I talked about how I talked to him for the last few times some time ago to other people. Everyone was sad; we expected to see another again at some gathering or someone's wedding even, but definitely not a funeral... I think Ping Kee would have been happy to see so many people coming back and meeting up after years, because of him.

Today was the cremation, I went together with cca juniors to send him off... As I was sitting there waiting for the ceremony to start and proceed, tears start flowing non-stop... I guess it is the slow realisation that someone whom I care about is really leaving, for good... and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it but to accept... But I was still able to stay pretty much composed apart from the tears, chanting inside for him to leave this world in peace and go to the better place out there. However when we started moving off to the crematorium, I had to fight hard to control my breathing such that I do not cry out loud... And when the furnace gates opened up to swallow his coffin in, the tears were just flowing uncontrollably already... I understood how his last few moments were from other friends and families, and it made me even more sad as he was still having so much hope for his future... And it hurt even more as the way he left us was rather painful not peaceful... I kept shouting inside myself for him not to have complaints, regrets and hatreds, for him to just go to where Buddha will bring him along...

I have posted on his facebook wall, did all I could for himself and myself... No matter how sad his death is, life goes on... I know I cannot dwell within it for too long, but I cannot control myself if my emotions are still pretty unstable after such an incident... And even during this time I have to continue playing my role as a friend, a senior, an organiser, a counsellor, an advisor... I believe I will come through all these a stronger and better person, but for now, bear with me my friends if I ever sound harsh to you or act rudely to you as I am not good yet. If I ever try to reach out to you in any way, please do not reject me too... Thank you in advance. :)