Don't know if my brain has been working extra hard without me being aware, but it sure feels tired. And I guess I am one who really cannot hide my feelings, so didn't realise I was getting people concerned as I seemed less cheerful or smiley with a constant seriousness to my facial expression. Sorry to have worried you all!!! Feels awesome to have people who cares. *hearts*

I have come to realise after living in this world for 2 decades plus that I am very prone to getting hurt emotionally. I know it has to do with my personality, low self-esteem, life experiences and family background. I understand things can still change, afterall the only constant in life is change! But I eventually decided to guard my heart, not to give in to temptations or conventions or societal pressures, and to only open it when I am fully confident that he will treat me right.

很不舒服，心中很不舒服。

乱七八糟，思想乱七八糟。

感到背叛，真的感到背叛。

身心疲惫，我已身心疲惫。

自取其辱，难道自取其辱？

Went down to the special place for people with special attention needs for the 2nd time and had proper face-to-face interaction with the patients. At first, there was a little fear due to the lack of knowledge about this forgotten group of people in our country. And when they all started coming forward at the same time to surround and welcome us with their little gestures here and there, it was a little overwhelming and I was pretty daunted to be frank. After exchanging greetings and smiling back, we went ahead to engage them in activities and I was stunned for a moment about how and what to do with them. It was a little awkward and my whole body was a little tensed up.

Thankfully, there was someone who was more willing to talk and interact thus I finally can be more at ease after some self-introduction has been done. We wanted so much to make full use of their time with us, coming up with so many different activities and games to do with them. But I think all they want is just company and people to care and talk to them just like they are ordinary human beings with no special disabilities. I realised there is actually no need to put on a false front when sitting in front of them and talking to them. There is no pretense in their actions, words and smiles.

We sat down and drew with them. As I watched them struggling hard to stop their hands from shaking such that they can draw what they envision in mind and colour the area they want with the colour in mind, my heart stirred. This small ability that we all have and taken for granted is something those patients will never get to master because of their medication. When I see them trying so hard to try to connect with us yet failing most of the time in getting us to understand what they are trying to say, my heart stirred again. Once again, something which all of us took for granted has been taken away from these people because their mind happen to have fallen sick. Hearing them talk about their life in the place and the few small little activities which they do that gets repeated, I cannot stop myself from feeling really sad about what I hear but I continued to put on a smile and listened to them talk.

How much they wish for days where things happen a little differently, where there is even a slight change in their daily life, where there are new people other than the usual staff which they face every single day in day out. The life that ordinary people get to live and yet not treasure many a times have been taken away from them, all because they need not managed to seek help before their mental condition spiral out of control. And also because the society is too scared of what harm they may bring to other people to allow them to integrate back into the society. Or perhaps the society out there now is too complicated and messy for them to handle, and perhaps staying in that place where everything is forever mostly constant is actually a blessing in disguise? But just imagine, if someone around you or yourself lose it one day...